1.I was started on Pitocin at 1cm dilated which caused me to contract every 2 minutes for 29 hours.
2. My anesthesiologist did not listen or check my epidural when intense pain had returned (it had run out or in his words "TKOd" so professional right?)
3. These first two things led to the third, an emergency cesarean birth.
4. When they administered the depo provera shot (Birth Control) I was told to google the
side effects, instead of being told. (including extreme anxiety, and inability to lactate)
all of these things bother me to this day.
The worst thing I experienced after Dahlia was severe anxiety. Which started about 2-3 weeks after having her home. I was in no way upset with or at my child, I wasn't afraid of being a mother or any of the more common things that come to mind when Postpartum is brought up.
My irrational thoughts and fears
- that dahlia would be taken from me, kidnapped or lost
-that a disaster would happen resulting in her or both of our deaths
-the world was going to end and I would not get to enjoy my daughter
-that I would be diagnosed with a terminal illness and miss my daughters life
-a black hole would destroy the earth and take my baby
-A disaster would happen and I would lose dahlia, she would be with someone else never knowing me.
There's a few more but I'm sure you get the idea. I stopped being able to sleep at night, and had a hard time functioning at work. All of these what ifs running through my mind 24 hours a day had really taken over my life. Looking at Kyle and Dahlia gave me severe panic attacks I felt out of control, and unable to keep them safe. I talked about it to whoever would listen, but would hear Postpartum and become frustrated. NO! NO! NO! I don't want to hurt anyone or myself I'm terrified someone or something else might. This I think delayed my getting help. On top of it all my sex drive was zero, so even when the cut off had passed and it was okay to be intimate I wasn't interested. I was to busy obsessing over when the sun was going to cook everyone. (sexy right? no.)
I finally got tired of feeling so doomed all the time, tired of feeling guilty for dooming my baby, and I called Dr.M and made an appointment. Of course it didn't help that the receptionist when I told her the reason for my appointment changed her tone and asked if I or anyone around me was in danger -_- NO!!!!!
Thankfully Dr.M was a lot more gentle in the diagnosis category, and I was prescribed and anti-anxiety medication & sleep aid. I was also told to discontinue the birth control.
My point in all this is, no one ever told me any of this could happen. When I tried to talk about it the word crazy was thrown around (even by some family) or I was told "You're thinking to much you need to stop", Um not that simple. Women should support each other & not judge, ever!!!! Yes, having children is magical so great but there is a darker side to child birth and recovery and it isn't anyone's fault. ever. We need to talk about it.
I've talked to a few friends and some have had the same fears/symptoms, maybe not as intense but no one ever wants to talk about to unglamorous side of emotions after a child. It by no means indicates loving your child less, it means you might actually have a chemical imbalance! Don't let Postpartum Depressions ugly history make you avoid help, it isn't always Andrea Yates category! I promise.
For about two weeks after Rachel was born I was super moody. I constantly went from very low to high. I would feel like my life was never going to be normal again. I would never get to sleep again, would arachel always need to be held, etc. I have a fear of newborns sleeping in the bed with me, so that was part of the issue...what if she won't sleep in her bed. It was an indescribable feeling. I know I have high's and low's in normal life, but this feeling was constant and so much stronger than normal! It definitely helps to talk about it, and I am pretty much an open book (you probably know from our nap time convos). If you need to talk to anyone I am here and there will be no judgement from me!!
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