Apophenia

 After all this time, the way we connect with people is still complicated to me. We find someone, connect, and go through the motions of connecting your life with theirs. Is it really possible to know another person? You get the top layer, they share with you what they want you to know. Sometimes you get glimpses of what it means or how it feels to be them. How many people are open books; how many people think they are? 
 I've got walls, I've been burned, and because of that I am guarded. At the same time, I can easily tell someone that. Which to me contradicts the statement all together. I used to be able to bottle everything up really tight, time has changed that for me. I have a bad habit of telling people when they are making me unhappy, you would think that would be helpful. Turns out it hurts peoples feelings to have it pointed out when they are hurting you. Over the last two years I've figured out that if someone doesn't understand your pain, it's really easy for them to disregard it. Like when you lose someone and people offer condolences but no one they ever cared about has ever died or left so it's this empty uncomfortable statement. Sometimes you get this scenario  "Hey sorry you feel alone and betrayed but I have to get up early so could you get over it?",generally we respond with :yeah totally sorry I'm an emotional inconvenience. I feel fairly certain we have all been in this position. 
 When you're connected to someone though, they way they empathize with you is so much more important. The shitty part is when they haven't really let you in. So you're in this shallow pool, unless you have and they still haven't; then it like a big fucking pool. Except you're on opposite sides acting like you're having a great time swimming, irritated because they are to scared to swim to your side. I want to connect with people on a deeper level, but I am starting to get really scared that there is no deeper level. Maybe we're all just selfish people, looking for something else to write in out own books, & using people to do it. 
 Looking back, six years happened so fast, and I thought I was impacting another person so much. I wasn't. I thought I was connecting and growing in a positive way. I wasn't . Time means nothing as far as connections go. You can only go as deep as people will let you and sometimes it will feel like you're getting somewhere with someone when really you've just stopped moving forward. I'm the first person to say, if that person wants something with you they will move. If they don't then it's up to you to move on. 
 There are times though, when you have to sit down with someone and wait. Because maybe they aren't ready just yet, but being with them for that decision is important. Because sometimes you need to break the rules for things that are bigger than you. 
Just try not to get hurt, and when/if you do don't let it make you cold. 
It's really easy to lose trust. It's so hard to come back from that place. 

Being a human is fucking hard. Loving another human is even harder, I don't care how many people or articles say loving another person should be easy. That's total bullshit. It's hard enough to love yourself, loving another person is big. It's still beautiful, but it's so delicate.