desolate

I have so much more to say to you, but I won't. 
I deserved more, our kids deserve more.
we will find it without you. 
It was easy to become a father, but harder to really be one. 
they will remember every absent moment, and visits that feel forced. 
but I will always be there, every triumph, every failure, always. 
one day you will see two women instead, of two little girls.
& they will remember who shaped them. 
then you will see how much you've truly missed.


 Most days are definitely spent going through the motions, making sure that the house is clean, the kids are happy, and wondering if I remembered to eat. I have moments where things are clearer I can see where I would like to be, the happiness isn't that far away. I'm definitely eager for this test to end, so I can be free again. I know there's a person in the world looking for me, I want to be ready when they find me. Six years of broken promises, using, and what I can only imagine now were all lies has really taken it's toll on my heart. 
 There's no damage that can't be undone with time and the right people around me. All pain is temporary, just like I tell Dahlia, it will only hurt for a little while. 
 On the less intense side of life I'm learning a lot about myself, and I'm spending a lot more one on one time with my girls, I don't have a lot of free time but when I do I appreciate it a lot more now. I'm going to Austin Friday for my friends wedding and I'm really excited! I've gotten to know her over the past few months and I feel really lucky to have a friend like her in my life, especially right now. I'm happy I get to be there for this huge step forward in life :) and help make sure everything is perfect. I'm happy to have something to look forward to. Plus meeting new people, it's a nice change of pace.